Seven Practices for Bearing Leadership Pain Faithfully

If leadership involves pain, then one of the most important questions is not whether leaders can avoid pain. They cannot.

The better question is whether leaders can learn to bear pain faithfully.

This matters because pain has a way of distorting discernment. When leaders are afraid of relational pain, they may avoid the very decisions that would lead to health. When leaders are overwhelmed by criticism, they may become defensive, passive, harsh, or controlling. When leaders are isolated, they may begin to believe that the pain itself is proof that they have done something wrong.

But pain is not always a sign of unfaithfulness.

Sometimes pain is the cost of telling the truth. Sometimes pain is the cost of pursuing health. Sometimes pain is the cost of refusing to let the loudest voices define the mission. Sometimes pain is the cost of shepherding people toward maturity when they would rather remain comfortable.

Christian leaders do not need to become painless. They need to become faithful in the presence of pain.

Practice #1: Name the reality up front: leadership involves pain.

I’m just as guilty as anyone of hoping there might be a way through difficult leadership decisions without disappointing anyone. Maybe we can make the change without anyone getting upset. Maybe we can address the problem without offending anyone. Maybe we can keep everyone happy if we communicate well enough, move slowly enough, and explain clearly enough.

So many times I’ve taken the presence of pain as proof of failure in one of these areas.

Don’t get me wrong: sometimes careful communication really does help. Sometimes wise timing lowers unnecessary anxiety. Sometimes leaders create pain because they have been careless, dismissive, impatient, or proud.

But even faithful leadership creates pain.

Leadership is not merely management. Management often deals with technical problems, where the issue is clear and the answer can be implemented with enough skill. Leadership, especially spiritual leadership, often deals with adaptive problems. These are problems for which there isn’t a ready solution the way things are. Adaptive leadership requires people to change, grieve, repent, mature, relinquish, or reimagine. That kind of work creates pain because it touches identity, memory, loyalty, fear, and desire.

If leaders are surprised every time leadership hurts, they will be constantly tempted to retreat. So we have to say it plainly: leadership involves pain.

Practice #2: Teach elders what spiritual authority actually means.

Many elders enter leadership without anyone helping them understand how their relationships will change. They know they have been elected. They know they will attend meetings. They know they may vote on budgets, policies, staffing, buildings, and ministries. But they may not have been taught that they are taking up a form of spiritual authority.

They are being asked to help discern what is spiritually healthy. They are being asked to evaluate not only programs and procedures, but people, patterns, and fruit. They are being asked to care for the discipleship of people they know, love, and sometimes fear disappointing.

That requires preparation and prayer.

Elders need to know that spiritual authority is not domination. It is not control. It is not permission to become self-important. It is responsibility before God for the good of the people. It is exercised in humility, prayer, mutual submission, and love.

Congregations need to understand this as well. If members assume elders are merely board members or representatives, they will misunderstand what elders are doing when they discern, correct, challenge, or lead.

Practice #3: Reset expectations around eldership.

So long as churches imagine elder boards as corporate boards, sessions will often become ineffective. A corporate board model tends to focus on oversight, liability, finances, and organizational performance. Those things matter, but they are not the heart of eldership.

Elders are shepherds.

That means their central concern is not, “How do we keep the institution running as comfortably as possible?”

Their central concern is, “How do we help this congregation grow in faithfulness to Christ?”

That question changes the work.

It means elders should care about budgets because budgets reveal and shape mission. They should care about buildings because buildings can serve or hinder ministry. They should care about worship because worship forms the people of God. They should care about conflict because conflict reveals discipleship. They should care about leadership standards because spiritually immature leadership weakens the body.

Resetting expectations will not remove disagreement, but it can help people understand what the disagreement is about. The goal is not preference. The goal is faithfulness.

Practice #4: Connect elders to other elders in relationships of mentorship and depth.

Relational pain is extremely difficult to bear alone. Isolated leaders are vulnerable leaders. When leaders feel alone, they are more likely to overreact, collapse, people-please, or quietly resign themselves to dysfunction.

Elders need people who have walked the road before them.

They need seasoned leaders who can say, “Yes, this is painful, but you are not crazy.”

They need people who can say, “You are carrying something real, but do not carry it alone.”

They need people who can also say, “You may not be seeing this clearly. Slow down. Pray. Listen. Repent. Try again.”

The point of mentorship is not merely emotional support. It is spiritual formation. Leaders need encouragement, but they also need correction. They need people who can help them distinguish between the pain that comes from faithfulness and the pain that comes from their own immaturity.

Practice #5: Practice pain tolerance.

No one enjoys pain. But pain tolerance can grow.

A leader who cannot endure the small pain of saying, “I disagree,” will struggle to endure the larger pain of making an unpopular decision. A leader who cannot bear a tense conversation will struggle to bear congregational criticism. A leader who cannot disappoint one person may eventually participate in decisions that damage many people.

Practicing pain tolerance does not mean becoming cold. It does not mean leaders should enjoy conflict or ignore the feelings of others. It means leaders learn to remain present, honest, and loving when discomfort rises.

Sometimes practice begins very simply.

It may mean saying, “I see that differently.”

It may mean asking, “Have you spoken directly with that person?”

It may mean saying, “I care about your concern, but I cannot promise to carry it the way you are asking me to.”

It may mean admitting, “This ministry has mattered deeply, but we need to ask whether it is still bearing fruit.”

These are not acts of cruelty. They are small acts of courage.

Practice #6: Encourage leaders while they are carrying pain.

There is a moment in Exodus when Moses cannot hold up his arms any longer. Aaron and Hur come alongside him and hold up his arms. That image is a gift for leaders. Sometimes faithful people grow tired, not because they are unfaithful, but because the work is heavy.

Elders need people who will hold up their arms.

They need encouragement in the moment, not merely appreciation after the fact. They need to hear, “Keep going.” They need to hear, “This is hard, but it matters.” They need to hear, “You are not alone.” They need reminders that faithful leadership is seen by God, even when it is misunderstood by people.

The book of Hebrews gives us another image: a great cloud of witnesses. We run with perseverance because we are surrounded by those who have gone before us. Eldership and church leadership can feel like a long race. Leaders need witnesses, encouragers, and companions who help them continue toward faithfulness.

Practice #7: Prepare for loss and acknowledge it when it happens.

Some leadership decisions create real loss. A worship style may change. A beloved program may end. A once-functional building may begin to hinder ministry. A staff member may leave. A friendship may become strained. A family may choose another church. A pastorate may come to an end.

Leaders should not pretend those losses do not hurt.

One of the worst things leaders can do is bury pain and call it strength. Buried pain does not disappear. It comes out eventually, often as cynicism, resentment, exhaustion, detachment, or bitterness.

Loss needs to be named. Grief needs to be expressed. Leaders need safe places to say, “That hurt.” They need to be able to mourn without assuming that grief means the decision was wrong.

Faithful decisions can still produce real grief.

But Christian leadership is not grounded in the avoidance of loss. It is grounded in the hope of redemption.

We work toward something better than comfort. We work toward the mission of God. We work toward the health of Christ’s church. We work toward communities that more faithfully reflect the gospel. We work toward people becoming more like Jesus.

And we do not do that in our own strength.

If we tried to bring about the work of Christ in our lives, our churches, and our communities by our own wisdom and power, we would fail. In fact, we do fail.

Daily.

But we do not lead alone.

We lead under the care of the Good Shepherd. We lead as people who are also being shepherded. We lead with wounds, limitations, fears, and weaknesses. And we lead trusting the One who has borne the full weight of human pain and remained faithful.

Leadership hurts.

But pain does not have to rule us.

By the grace of God, we can learn to name it, endure it, grieve it, and keep moving toward faithfulness.